Why Is There No Hot Water And Why Are ALL The Lights On?

Some years ago, wife 2.0 and I remodeled and expanded home 1.0 rather than purchase home 2.0.  For those of you confident in the strength of your marital relationship and longing for a means to test your resolve, I highly recommend living in a home that is also a construction zone and at random intervals has no electricity, no hot water and during late February and early March, a door sized hole in the wall open to the world.  I am reminded of the old expression to the effect “That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”  I’m not sure who coined that phrase and I am also loathe to offend; however, that particular genius is terminally stupid (God bless his heart), a liar, or has never been married.  2.0, I and son 1.0 emerged from the experience much like those who fail in the attempt to scale Mt. Everest, weakened, needing medical attention and swearing never to do it again. 

Despite my absolute commitment to avoid duplicating the experience, there was an upside.  For example, we now have two bathrooms, a 50 gallon water heater rather than a 35 gallon water heater and a sewing room.  By the way, why are those things called “hot water heaters”?  It seems to me that if the water were indeed hot, it would need no heating.  But, I digress.  I immediately saw the benefit to a second bathroom (remember, wife 2.0 and teen aged son 1.0?).  However, I still don’t understand the need for a sewing room with lighting such that x-rays are unnecessary.  That 10’ by 14’ room has more lights than the rest of the house put together. 2.0’s explanation is that by using klieg lights worthy of the London blitz in 1941, she can see the “true” colors of the fabric.  It occurred to me that because the rest of the world has “normal” lighting and not Broadway spotlights, she would have to bring the world’s population, one by one, into the sewing room to see the “true” colors incorporated in her sewing projects; but, as the title of this blog suggests, married men are clueless.

While I may not have understood the cumulative lumens required in the sewing room, I immediately saw the benefit of an additional 15 gallons of hot water.  We could wash dishes, clothes, and ourselves simultaneously.  That is, we could do all those things simultaneously until son 1.0 reached 16.  It was at that point showers went from five minutes to 30.  It turns out that with a 30 minute shower, one can exhaust 50 gallons of hot water and the additional hot water generated during the 30 minute shower. 

Not only does son 1.0 delight in causing me to take cold showers (I SWEAR those are completely unnecessary at my age), both he and wife 2.0 feel the need to turn on every light in the house.  Arkansas Power and Light (yes, I know it is Entergy) sends us Christmas cards and when we were gone a few days, sent someone by to make sure we were still alive.  Son 1.0 is a great kid, a bona fide genius, who for some reason has the ability to move a light switch up; but, is genetically incapable of moving one down.  I attribute this to his mother’s side, for she is similarly afflicted. 

So, for those of you who might have wondered why I am cold and grumpy, muttering under my breath as I wander through the house turning off lights, televisions, radios, video games, stereos, etc, now you know.

See you next time.