I've been married 24 years, 30 if one counts all the years from all the marriages. During the most recent 24 years, marriage 2.0 if you will, we've moved from a single television without a remote to, at last count, 5 televisions for three people. All five televisions are high def, TiVo'ed, remote activated and though I'm not positive, I think at least one of them can cook. Our cars have electric windows, cruise control, DVD's and GPS. Clearly, we, wife 2.0, and I, have moved into the 21st century.
Yet, despite our firm embrace of the 21st century, we can not use the electric dryer on any of 2.0's clothes and only a few of 2.0's clothes can be machine washed. 2.0 may live in the 21st century; but, her laundry lives in 17th century While my dress clothes are dry cleaned, the vast majority of my clothes, holey undershorts, blue jeans, Molly Hatchet T-Shirts, etc., all get thrown in the frond load washer. I don't sort by color, the reds go in with the whites, the sweatshirts with the T shirts and the blue jeans with the chinos. My washing machine is a melting pot of which Lady Liberty herself would be proud. 2.0's washing machine, while rarely used, is a segregationist of the worst sort. Whites, colors and because I don't know if beige is a white or color, we have beige/ecru/egg shell loads (yes, egg shell is a color). And, most important of all, they are never dried in the electric dryer. For, if they are dried, they shrink. If they shrink, 2.0 will buy new clothes and it will be my fault.
Early in our marriage, after having dried a size 10 down to a size eight, I asked 2.0 the question that all new husbands ask. Why not just buy the size 12 that fits after it is dried. It was that day I learned that allowing male logic to collide with female logic is the rough equivalent of allowing matter to collide with anti-matter. Seriously bad stuff happens and once again, I bought 2.0 an entire new wardrobe. Seriously, it reminded me of the year 2.0 told me she didn't want a present for her birthday, so, I didn't buy one. The next day I bought yet another complete wardrobe.
24 years later and I still don't know why you can't dry women's clothing. Married men truly are clueless.
See you next time.
Alas! As a female of the species, I agree entirely with your dear wife's point of view re: men and laundry. It seems so obvious to us how to do simple things like laundry correctly. We could explain it to you but, sadly, YOU WOULD NOT LISTEN TO US. You might APPEAR TO BE LISTENING, but in reality, you would be daydreaming about that great new fishing hole that your buddy promised to show you over the weekend, or perhaps imagining the taste in your mouth of the pint of soon-to-be award-winning pale ale you are planning to drink at the grand opening of the trendy new microbrewery downtown, or....something equally shallow and meaningless to us women. So...why bother explaining to you the complex physics involved when certain cloth fibers interact with hot water (or heat in the dryer?)or the chemistry of dye molecules as they battle to the death against the unique force generated by the bi-polar structure of H2O??? It just doesn't seem worth wasting our breath over (or our valuable time)....sorry, but there it is is!!! We know that you men have a very limited attention span. So it's simpler just to tell you NOT TO EVER TOUCH OUR LAUNDRY!!! NEVER!!(unless, as you accurately stated above, you really WANT to buy us a WHOLE NEW WARDROBE??!!) Yours with great affection and admiration for your wonderful and insightful new blog, The Queen of the Universe
ReplyDeleteP.S. You are really such a cool guy to have created such an interesting blog!!! I particularly love the title. I must say that I am very impressed (as should your offspring be). Greetings to your wonderful--and very patient and forebearing--wife!
Men should not do women's laundry for much the same reason that men feel women should never be encouraged (or shall I say permitted) to use a John Deere lawn tractor. That said, I will admit that after my first divorce, the first thing I purchased was a wonderful new John Deere tractor with which I planned to mow my beautiful new yard. I accessorized it with a stylish pink John Deere cap, and away I went!
ReplyDeleteTo mow is to clear my mind, calm my soul, and think about life in general. One day several weeks into the enjoyment of my lawn tractor, a kind neighbor ( a man, of course) stopped by to tell me that to continue to mow my lawn with such devotion would result in killing my beautiful grass. And, it did.
So, maybe there is a little bit of truth to the theory that some tasks are gender specific. But let's face it, we are talking about delicates and dandelions. It just makes life more exciting!