FROM PARENT TO SECRET AGENT
(Why is it so difficult to keep up with your kids?)
Those of you who follow my writings should recall the heartbreak and turmoil occasioned by Son 1.0’s departure for college (the subject of not one; but, two earlier posts). Wife 2.0 and I wept and Son 1.0 couldn’t wait to leave. We consoled ourselves with thoughts of unlimited cell phone minutes and what is possibly the greatest invention of our times, Skype. Not only can one speak to loved ones, one can see them as well. I remember a televised science program in about 1974 in which the writers predicted television telephones. Well, that prediction came true though I am still waiting on my flying car and anti-gravity boots.
So, in this modern age, we should be able to communicate with our distant son with ease, shouldn’t we? Well, if you are over the age of 40, you might think so. Otherwise, you realize technology has only been a minor part of the communications dilemma. The real problem is, has been, and will always be, teen agers posing as Russian spies.
Our kids must be Russian spies. Think about it. They barely speak English, they won’t tell us where they’ve been, what they’re doing or who they’re doing it with. Questions rarely draw more than a “name rank and serial number” answer and even then require truth serum, a dark room and a bright lamp.
Much like the counter-intelligence agents depicted in black and white movies, I gather most of my information on Son 1.0 through covert surveillance. Please don’t tell him; but, I quietly monitor his and his friends’ face book accounts and watch the web pages for his fraternity, university and specific school. Using these sources, I have a vague idea of his world and am better armed for our infrequent visits. Again, I feel like one of those black and white heroes interrogating foreign spies.
ME: “Just OK?”
Son1.0: “Yeah”ME: “Are you getting enough sleep?”
Son1.0: “Yeah”ME: “Why are you sleeping in class?”
Son1.0: “NOT”ME: “Yes, chemistry last Thursday” (Thank you anonymous facebook poster)
Son1.0: (with a pained expression on his face) “How do you know?”ME: (while rubbing my hands together) “We have our ways – So, are you getting enough sleep OUTSIDE OF CLASS?”
Son1.0: “Well, most of the time.”ME: “Are you doing anything stupid with the fraternity?”
Son1.0: “No.”ME: “That so? How about --------------------------------------last Friday at-----------? (again, thank you internet)”
Son1.0: “Do you have someone following me?”ME: “Yes, every minute of every day.”
It is nothing short of amazing how much better we communicated after that.
Oh yes! The Neo-Cold War is happening daily in every home in America with an adult child in the university!!! [The CIA should recruit us for our intelligence-gleaning skills in their constant fight against....hmmm....?? well, in their battle against whomever it is that they fight these days!!] WHY?????? because we parents-of-college-students are PROS at the fine "Art of Espionage" !!! It is a little-known (or appreciated) fact that parents can find out more information on their target in TEN MINUTES than the heavily over-funded & insufficiently trained Homeland Security professionals can do in TEN YEARS !!! However, I must tell you, Dear Friends, that had your lovely and charming (and saintly) wife given birth to a DAUGHTER instead of a SON, you might at this moment be drowning in MORE DETAILS ABOUT EVERY SECOND OF HER DAILY LIFE than you actually want to hear about... so, keep your spying skills razor-sharp but be careful what you wish for!! LOVE YOUR BLOG!! HRM Sera QOTU
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